Those are shocking words when you hear a mom say them to her son, especially after he just got beat out on the mat. I didn't say anything, somewhat digesting what I'd just heard. I felt sorry for the kid of course. I'm not sure why a parent would say that to their kid over anything, especially an early season wrestling match that really doesn't mean anything long term as far as....well...anything. I couldn't think of anything more unimportant than any of these early season matches really. They are good early practice and they show wrestlers what they need to work on as the season progresses. I have been to about 3 tournaments so far and have seen just about the same amount of incidents that crossed lines and into the realm of verbal abuse. Just stupid. I find these incidents unbearable, and I know they do nothing for the children except get them to not want to participate in sports. I know interacting with the parents in question more than likely will get me in some sort of hand to hand combat, I don't care to be part of either. Also, fighting a bitchy mom holding a baby swearing at her 10 year old son probably will get me thrown out in a weird twist of fate known only to sitcoms. Still, I feel I need to say something, at least maybe someone who is closer to these people may read this and say, "I know someone like that!" Maybe they will pass it along. I also know wrestling is not the only sport with over the top parents, this applies to all.
So far individual sports take a little bit more deft parenting than team sports. When a kid loses in an individual sport they do tend to take it all on themselves. Emotions(and what to do with them)is a little bit different. The young athlete just lost, sometimes in a painful manner, in front of a lot of people they know and love. That can be very difficult for kids to digest for a little bit. As a team there is safety in numbers when losing. In the end, they are very resilient and have short term memories concerning the loss. So here is my list of Do's and Don'ts, applicable to about every sport:
- Be excited about your child's performance. Win or lose. I've seen my son lose and in my heart I know he wrestled one of his best matches, I tell him right away. It's ok to let them know they gave 100% and it didn't go their way. Be proud of all their accomplishments.
- Don't berate your child's performance. It may come to a point I might get in a fight with a parent over this, we'll see. How you can cut down your child over their effort in a public manner? It doesn't make you a monster....quite.
- Ask them how they feel about their performance. This is where you can help them improve if you are somewhat knowledgeable in the sport. It's here more times than not, you can coach them with what you know and really bond.
- Try not to yell over the coaches(I even have problems with that one). The coaches are there for a reason. You want to coach? Then coach. Otherwise let the guys who volunteered or are paid to do it. One enjoyable aspect of volunteering to coach is seeing how your athletes are improving and what you can do to help them improve.
- For the Coaches: 3 coaches yelling at 1 athlete does not work, I have seen this, I can only imagine how confused the kid was at the time. Stop.
- Coach positively. My own son asked me one time why another kid's dad yelled at his son during a match that didn't seem very nice(it wasn't). Think about that while wrestling my kid was able to notice the poor behavior(and it was poor) of another parent coaching his kid. Think how that kid felt.
- Let your child make a lot of decisions about their participation. Sometimes a bunch of extra tournaments can lead to burn out and dislike of a sport they used to be excited about. Our daughter enjoys a dance season that ends. She does not want to dance year round and every other night. Done.
- If you don't know the rules don't yell at the refs. If you don't know the rules, learn the rules.
- Sometimes your child isn't the best. A harsh reality: There are kids working harder than them to get better at the sport. When your child commits to more work at a sport it will mean a hundred times more than you committing them to a sport.
- Winning is not everything. It's just not. Yes we all want our children to be successful. We all want them to do well. Sports definitely has winning, but it has a lot of losing too. Be ready for that and once again there usually will be children better at sports than your own kids.
- Sports builds teamwork, self-determination, confidence, goal setting and too many other skills to mention. This is pretty basic, and I think I lifted it from 6th grade P.E. class. Funny thing is how so many of us forget the very basics.
- Sports are Darwinism at it's finest. It is. It will slowly filter your children out as they grow older. Be ready for it. Eventually there will be a team they don't make, some may go onto college sports. Will they end up being Olympic or Professional Athletes? Not likely, maybe, but maybe, please don't mortgage your house on the likelihood of it. So, just enjoy the moments, don't let visions of scholarships and your own "goals" muddy up just living in the moment and watching your child succeed at something they enjoy.
- Do not get so wrapped up in your child being in sports, that you forget to ask them if they are having fun or are just doing it because it is what's expected of them. I'm not saying they should be able to quit any old time they want, conversations about finishing what they started should be brought up prior to even signing up for a sport.
- Be excited. it's ok to be excited for your child while they are playing. It's fun, it's fun to watch your kids having fun. Personally some of the best matches to watch were ones where Graham walked off the mat not winning. I knew he had given it a 100% and that's sports. (I also know when he walks off that mat he wants a rematch of any one he loses to. He wanted me to offer one kid $5 for a rematch. I told him that's not how it works).
- When your kid is the best athlete on the team do not speak poorly about other players on a team or athletes in the same sport. Quick answers: "They are learning just like you.""If they weren't on your team you wouldn't have a team." "Even the professionals make mistakes" "It's just a game" "Maybe you can help them"
- The refs are right. The refs are right. The refs are right. Face it, I have problem with this(and so does every football fan), but I always try to remind kids that the refs have the best view and have to make it in a split second on most occasions. The refs are right.
- LAST RULE: Before we start driving away from a finished sporting event we have an airing of questions. The kids can ask any questions that they would like about the event and what occurred good or bad. In turn we can offer our coaching, support and encouragement. Then we make sure the participant thanks their sibling for attending and their parents for bringing them. In turn we always tell the participant how much we enjoyed watching their event pointing out a highlight or two.
